Wow, what a great idea. I would never have thought of that. I don`t have any university-aged children yet, but I like the idea for my college student. No contract, but maybe all the expectations and consequences for the school year written on paper so that we do not play these « games ». Thank you for sharing! Thank you Perla. I wish I had a contract when my kids were in high school. It would have avoided so many headaches! This is the third and final part of a series of three-part articles by James Lehman, MSW, on the difficult topic of adult children living at home. In this section, James discusses the topic of entering into a subsistence agreement with your child. Do you want to know what we had in our contract and what worked for me? I attached the exact contract we used – it`s FREE. You can enter it HERE. Usually, it is included in the Joyful Living Toolbox (an amazing resource waiting for you). You know your child. Do you think you could both benefit from a university contract? Do you think this could avoid future misunderstandings? Even if they are already in college, it is not too late to create one.
You can use and edit mine as much as you want. Or design the one that suits you best. It turns out it`s a good thing that we had a university contract. He jumped from his 1st semester at school. We withdrew the contract, showed him how he had missed expectations and told him we were done paying. But because I think everyone should have some kind of agreement with their student, I`ll add it for you. Contracts and agreements will avoid so much grief and conflict on the street. What happens if expectations are not met and the university contract is violated – and now? What do you do? Well. This is the tricky and difficult part as a parent (if you are something like me, we lead as a mother with her heart). Have you ever heard of hard love – the act of following even if it`s hard and hard? As a mother, I enjoyed the opportunities to teach lessons while my children were at home.
if the consequences were relatively small and they could join forces and become a more responsible adult. Getting out of it was important to me… but, oh, it was hard! Independence is a decision you can make as a family. If a young adult child is doing well, lives at home and meets the expectations of the family, there is no problem. But one day he will want to be independent. My husband and I discussed our hopes and dreams for our son. And in this context, what did we expect from him when he was in university? And when people who paid the tuition, we had to be sure that he knew our expectations and didn`t play the « I had no idea » or « I didn`t know » cards. My husband works hard for the money we have, and we didn`t want it to be wasted and wasted. Then we found out that he didn`t really want to go to university. He only left because his friends were leaving and he really didn`t know what else to do. Don`t get me wrong here – I love my son passionately.
But since I knew my son and his tendency to « postpone today so he can do it. never, » I was afraid he wouldn`t take university seriously. I was afraid he would think it was a right to go to university. no privileges. « It`s no longer your home for that. We go to bed, we are tired, we have been working all day. If you want to live here, you have to live by our rules. » Is a college contract a good idea? It`s really up to you.
Personally, I think it brought us closer together. And I`m so glad we had one. What would it be like to know that you and your student would not have arguments or disagreements because all the expectations and consequences for their time at school were clearly stated? Because before he/she went to university, you got a college contract between parents and students. The way to do this is to sit down and let the child set goals. Where do you plan to live? When are you planning to move? How much does the child have to pay for rent or housing and food when living at home? Measure progress toward the goal against the goals. If the child has the goal of moving and does not achieve any of the goals, then it is not serious. When you enter into the housing arrangement, I think it must be very clear that the child is there to make a contribution, not just to make a contribution. Parents should therefore be aware of certain tasks for which the older child is responsible. Parents can offer their ideas, and the young adult child can develop their own ideas. Maybe he offers to take the younger children to school in the morning, and you ask him to be responsible for bringing in wood and taking out the garbage and recyclables every week. Write it down and be clear about the consequences if it doesn`t go all the way, because everyone who lives in the house has to help.
My son, Matt, is one of those people who is madly smart – too smart actually (if there`s such a thing). If he didn`t grasp the concept in 10 seconds or less (exaggerated here), he gave up and didn`t follow. Therefore, his test results were either amazing or not good at all. His average was just that… Average. As a result, his university choices were limited. At the urging of his counselors, he applied to a local college and was accepted. We all thought he had won the lottery and we celebrated! Have you ever thought about contracts? Why do we have them or why are they needed in the first place? Who benefits? Who are they for? My husband had one with every employer. I always found it quite strange – didn`t they trust him? But at some point, I realized that a contract is not about distrust. rather, it is about having clear expectations.
That the rewards and consequences are clearly formulated so that there are no surprises. But why should contracts be reserved for employers and employees? I told a friend about it by chance and she told me about her university contract with her son. STUDENT PARENT CONTRACT AT COLLEGE?! Oh my God, what a good idea. We have contracts at work, in our marriages, with telephone companies and cable companies. Thus. Why not a college contract? Paying rent is a very good habit for an older child. I think there are two ways to look at when and if your child should pay rent to continue living at home. If the family needs money and the child is working, they have to contribute. It`s as simple as that. After living at home and trying part-time jobs, paying his own bills, and realizing he wasn`t going anywhere, he took a few online courses. This resulted in a few community college courses, and then he returned to university – with a contract.
Would I have changed anything about our college contract? I have to admit that I really didn`t think we would have to revoke Matt`s academic privileges. I really didn`t think it would come out completely. As a result, we had none of the consequences for « living at home » that were fixed before he returned home. When we realized we would need a « living at home » contract, we established the following (it would have been better to include these elements first) – Even if your child is 23 years old, lives under your roof and stays outside until the wee hours of the morning, it is never too late to sit down with that child and say: Life insurance should be very clear about alcohol and drugs, and it`s easy because the law makes it easy. In most states, it is illegal to drink before the age of 21. You don`t have to say, « I know it`s illegal, but.. and wink with your eyes. Deciding when to ask an older child to leave home has more to do with a family`s morals and values.
If things are going well with the housing situation, the child must be told to think about leaving as soon as he can afford it. Once the rent for the first and last month and a deposit are set aside and he has a car and is driving, he should be told to look for a place with a roommate. Please wish me good luck in implementing my plan. I hope to stay calm and pleasant. I think when an 18-year-old lives alone, they learn valuable life skills. He can come to dinner on Sunday evenings. Peace on all sides! Unfortunately, you need to be prepared to enforce your consequences, even if it will be difficult and emotional. .